Match.com: Don't Be a Jerk. Reply!

I post new blog entries every Saturday.
Today's Sunday. And I didn't do an entry yesterday.
And last night (Saturday evening), I got an email from a reader wondering where my post was, but I didn't reply back to him.
And this morning (Sunday morning), I got a couple more emails from readers, but I didn't reply to them either.

How's it feel? To be dissed like that? To not be replied to?

Kinda sucks, don't it?

Yeah, so don't do it to someone else!

I delayed my entry this week on purpose. And I didn't reply back to those emails on purpose. A bit of a jerk thing to do, but I was making a point. And I think the point was taken.

And what was the point? If someone gets in touch with you, then don't be a jerk - reply back! (BTW, thanks to everyone who reads this blog and no offense meant!)

We're living in a whole new world of communications and contact. Meeting people and socializing with people are done differently now than they've ever been. I mean, you're on Match.com, so you're trying to meet people in a way that didn't even exist 10 to 15 years ago. But even though the means of meeting someone is different, the "rules" behind meeting someone are still the same. So if someone gets in touch with you on Match.com, then "the rules" state that you should reply back.

So, you're asking why, right? Well, look at it this way. If you were in a bar and a woman came up to you and said hi, what would you do? You'd say hi back. If you were at a party and a woman came up to you and said hey, what would you do? You'd say hey back. It's the "rule" of common courtesy. Well, the same rule applies for online dating. It's very easy to get caught up in the anonymity of being online, and there's an allure to that because it's safer, it's private, and you can window shop without making any commitments to anyone. But you should always remember this: behind every legitimate Match.com profile is a real person with real feelings looking to find a real match. And when that real person emails you to say hey, she's taking a leap of faith, she's taking a step of hope, she's putting herself out there on the chance that maybe you'll see something in her that she saw in you. That's a big step for a real person, and it shouldn't be ignored. So here're a couple things you should do when someone emails you.

1. Reply back and express an interest in return. This is the equivalent of being in that bar and saying "hey" back to the lady who first said "hey" to you. And reply within a reasonable amount of time. Don't be a schmuck and leave her hanging for days. And keep in mind that Match.com records and displays the last time you were on your account. If a lady emails you and you don't email back the next time you're on your account, then she'll see that, and you become the asshole who didn't get back in touch with her. And when you finally do email back to show your interest, well, sorry, dude, you're labeled an asshole now and your window of opportunity just slammed shut in your face.


2. Reply back and let her know you're not interested. This is a little more complicated but should still be done. So, first, you can be honest and tell her you don't think you're compatible with each other and tell her why - maybe she has three young kids and your child-rearing days are behind you, maybe she smokes and you don't date smokers, maybe she prefers to spend nights in and you're the type who likes to go out (and those sort of preferences should already be in your profile). Being honest is helpful for everyone and is the optimal approach. The alternative? Yeah, well, the alternative is to lie. And there are benefits to lying. Maybe she's 5'2" and you like woman who are tall. Maybe she's brunette and you like blondes. And okay, maybe you just don't find her very attractive. Then reply back to her and tell her that you're "in a semi-relationship but didn't want to update your Match profile until you know it's serious, but thank you so much for contacting me, and best of luck to you!" This is called a good lie. Don't be nasty. Don't dog her. Don't slam her. She's a real person with real feelings who put herself out there hoping to spark a real relationship with you. Don't cut her off at the knees. There's no need to do that. If you're not interested, then be a gentleman about it in your reply. 

And I condone replies only for emails. If someone winks at you or instant messages you, then the same rules don't apply. Winks and IMs are informal. An email isn't. Winks and IMs are mini-tossaways, the online dating equivalent of touching your toe in a pool to see how cold the water is. An email is a much greater effort, the online dating equivalent of diving into that pool regardless of how cold the water may be.

So you need to think like a woman and understand that an email is a big step and should be treated as such. So don't be a jerk. Reply back to her!

Match.com: Pics That are Just Wrong!

My sister sends me whackadoodle profile pictures all the time. They're always good for a laugh. And we laugh and laugh, and shake our head and wonder ... what the hell were they thinking. So I figured I'd start a series within this blog to show you the best of the worst that she sends me. Sound good? Hell yeah! Here we go!

Here's the first best of the worst for the week.

How many times have I said it? You have maybe 4 seconds on Match.com to impress someone. This picture took 2 seconds for my sister to look at it, get grossed out, laugh her ass off, and then text it to me.

And no, she wasn't grossed out by the tats. This is what she wrote:

"Ewwww!!!! BUTT CRACK!!!! Gross!!!"

That was a direct quote from her. I laughed my own butt crack off when I got that! But you know what the song says, "It's all about the bass, about the bass ... no butt crack!!"

Okay. Here's the last best of the worst for the week.

This is what she wrote me in the text: "WTF!!!! I guess I'm a cold hearted bitch!! Lmao"

What's wrong with the pic?? Um, ok, did you read the caption?!? The dude was in the hospital helping his mom (check out the wheelchair behind his right arm) so he figured that was the best time to jump into the hospital room bathroom and snap a selfie for his Match.com profile??? What the f***?!? That is just wrong on so many levels I can't even begin count! But hey, I give him props for putting a caption on the picture. And then I take away the props for spelling "hospital" wrong.

You gotta think like a woman!!! Look at your profile pictures, my peeps, and get rid of the bad and replace them with something good ... or at least something appropriate! And then have someone else look at them, too, and ask them what they think. I guarantee someone else would've said something to these poor schmucks (Ewwww!! BUTT CRACK!!!) and they would've taken down the pics. But if that happened ... we wouldn't have anything to laugh at. Would we?!?

;0)

Match.com: You Desperate Bastard!

Talking to my sister this week, you know what she told me? She laid a big one on me. I said, "Gimme some good dirt. Gimme something juicy. Gimme a total turn off on a profile." You know what she said? You know what topped the list? You'll never guess.

It wasn't nasty or offensive usernames.

It wasn't stupid pictures like that man picking his ass.

You know what it was?

The biggest turn off for her ... is seeing that someone was just recently divorced or separated.

Is that cold or what?!? Yo, I thought it was! Actually, I thought it was kind effed up. And you see! I've said it how many times in this blog??? Match.com is a meat market, and you have only about 4 seconds (if that!) to leave a good impression on someone! And to think she killed a potential match just because he was recently separated ... ?

Ah. Then she explained it.

Someone who is recently divorced or separated has certain "tells." He puts in his profile passive aggressive digs against his ex and he puts "I'm looking for that special someone to spend my life with" and he puts "I want to be in a relationship with someone I trust" and he puts "I want to be with someone who appreciates me for who I am" and he puts "I want someone who will be there for me and my kids" and he puts "I want to meet my soul mate" and he puts "I want to meet someone who will love me for me!"

Well no shit, dumbass!

We all want that! We all want that special someone, we all want that soul mate, we all want someone we trust, and we all want someone who will love us for who we are! So when you waste your profile space on shlock like that, it's the primo indicator that YOU ARE A DESPERATE BASTARD!

And then you combine that with "Separated" or "Divorced" on your profile? Then you're on the fast track to the mighty toilet flush from the dating game!

Statements like those above are "tells." They say you're damaged goods. That you haven't gotten your own house in order. That you're not ready for a relationship. I mean, jeez, it says that you're hardly ready for a rebound person!! These are "tells" that you're recently separated/divorced and still broken. And key in on the word "recently." It's not that my sister won't entertain the idea of being with a divorced guy. Hell, SHE'S divorced! But when you're "recently" separated or divorced and throwing around statements like those above, then you have an abundance of bitterness and wounds and issues that you've not come close to resolving. Those statements say:

"I'm looking for that special someone to spend my life with" because my ex was a selfish bitch and I still hate her.

"I want to be in a relationship with someone I trust" because my ex cheated on me with my son's high school football team and I still hate her!

"I want to be with someone who appreciates me for who I am" because my ex nagged the shit out of me and tried to totally change me and I still hate her!!

"I want someone who will be there for me and my kids" because my ex ran out on us and left me with three kids, two mortgages, two car payments, a crappy job, and I still hate her!!!

"I want to meet my soul mate" because my ex didn't even have a fucking soul and was first cousins to Satan himself and I still hate her!!!!

"I want to meet someone who will love me for me" because my ex didn't love anyone but herself and I don't even love myself and I'm a loser and don't even want to be on Match but I am because my sister made me do it because she got tired of me crying in my beer and told me to get a life no matter what it takes because my ex wasn't worth it no matter what I say or who I say it to and fucking sonuvabitch I still fucking hate her!!!!!

Um. Yeah. Get my drift?

So how do you fix it?

First, get your house in order. If you can't love yourself, how in the hell can you love someone else? Take care of yourself. Learn to enjoy your own company. Get reacquainted with your kids. Have more fun with your kids. Go back out with your friends - YOUR friends and not you and your ex's mutual friends. Your buds, your dudes, YOUR bros. Rediscover what it is to enjoy YOUR life. Heal yourself for yourself and then you'll have a different perspective for the types of things that SHOULD go in your profile!

Second, don't lie. If you're divorced or separated, put it in your profile. Don't hide it. But maybe in your profile, say what you learned from it. Say that you learned to be a better friend to a woman, you learned to be more aware of what affects other people, you learned how to appreciate someone else, you learned how important friends/kids/family really are because they helped you through a very rough patch and saw you to the other side. Sound like sissy crap? Screw you. It's not sissy crap. It's what proves that you are a better person for what you've been through. THAT is what you want to shine through in your profile.

Third, change your profile content. Talk about places you'd like to take that special someone, talk about how you've actually learned what it takes to be a soul mate for someone, talk about your favorite ice cream joint that you love to take your kids to, talk about the things that make you happy. It's called a positive perspective, and it's THAT kind of information that women key into. Not because it's corny, sappy crap. But because it shows that you have your emotional house in order, that you have your priorities in order, and that you're willing to be in a relationship that gives AND receives.

And look, this stuff ain't easy. But if you're really wanting a relationship, then YOU have to be ready for it. Women aren't stupid. And woe be the dumbass who thinks they are! And this isn't thinking like a woman. This is thinking like a stable, positive person who is ready to be in a relationship with a woman!

Match.com: Safety and Scammer Alert!

I've poked some fun at a lot of things so far in this blog. But it's been done  based on some really good first-hand advice directly from someone in the Match.com trenches who is trying to find her match: my sister. And I want the best for my sister, and I also want the best for everyone else out there trying to find someone to spend the rest of their lives with. So along with the fun in this blog also comes some serious aspects. 

Look, I understand that finding that special someone ain't easy. It's work. It's effort. And it's subjective. What one person finds hot and sexy, another person will turn up his or her nose. I get that. We've all been there. But the one thing I haven't talked about yet that is not subjective is something that everyone - male or female - really needs to be careful about: safety. Match.com is a great tool for an introduction to someone you may otherwise never meet. However, when you look at the big picture, you have to understand that Match offers two strangers an essentially anonymous way to get introduced to each other. And with that anonymity comes a lot of questions: Who is this person really? Can I trust this person? Is this person really a psycho nut bag? Will this person try to abduct me if we meet up for a coffee? 

And those questions are not unreasonable ones to ask. You've heard about the Craigslist murders. We all have. The Craigslist murders are why restaurants and police stations have set themselves up as safe meeting spots. Safety is important. No matter what. Safety is important!

When I asked my sister about this, she told me safety is a huge priority when considering even getting in touch with someone, whether it's with a wink, an email, a thumbs up, anything. She has kids, a home, a family, a job to protect. Safety is a huge priority. As it should be with anyone.

So, in that vein, here're the things she's told me that she always has an eye for when she's looking at profiles or when someone gets in touch with her.

1.     Intelligence Alert. Match isn't an English class. We know that. But if your profile has spelling errors all over it or has bad grammar or doesn't use appropriate capitalization, then you're immediately tagged with the thumbs down. A lot of times, poorly written profiles with tons of grammar errors are indicative that the profile is by a scammer. Why? Because most scammers are international and don’t speak the native language used in the profile. And okay, what if the profile is legit and not by a scammer? Then the impression is that you're just not intelligent or schooled or are just plain stupid. You may be incredibly intelligent, have a 4.0 GPA, have started three business, and are a multi-millionaire, but if you use "there" when you should’ve use "their," then you look like “your” stupid.

How to fix it? Spell check your profile. Get someone else to look at it and edit it for grammar. Have someone else proof your profile to let you know it makes sense and to make sure it is grammatically correct. You are putting yourself out there for others to see ... and for others to judge. Don't blow it because you spelled a word wrong and it made you look like Gomer Pyle.

2.     Scammer Alert #1. Aside from poor grammar, there are a LOT of scammer triggers that cue my sister to avoid a profile like it's kryptonite. For example, a picture of a guy in uniform - military, police, fireman, security, anything - is an immediate scam trigger especially if the picture of the dude in uniform is the only one on the profile. HERE’s an article about this very problem from the Washington Post. Photo scamming of men in general is an even bigger problem, to the extent that are actually third-party sites that post often-used scammer profile photos for the safety of legitimate online dating users. THIS is one from scamdigger.com.

How to fix it? If your profession requires you to where a uniform and you want to post of pic of yourself in your uniform, great, just then be sure to post additional pictures of yourself in social situations when you’re not in uniform. It’s always a good idea for you to post several pictures of yourself in any online dating profile. Doing so is a sure sign that you’re a real person and not a scammer.

3.     Scammer Alert #2. My sister’s shown me profiles of guys who talk about how wealthy they are or about expensive cars they own and expensive trips they’ve taken or the yachts they have. Yeah, we get it: rich people can be lonely also. But it’s a serious scam trigger point to talk about your wealth so extensively.

How to fix it? Wealth is not a topic for discussion outside of the “income” field of your profile. Even if you are wealthy and are sincerely looking for a match, get that info out of your profile. It’s a scam trigger. Plain and simple. And if it IS a legitimate profile by someone with legitimate wealth, then let’s be honest, bragging about your wealth makes you look like a pretentious, arrogant prick. Get rid of it!

4.     Scammer alert #3. Profiles with no personal data or date preferences are HUGE scam triggers. This is self-explanatory. If there’s no information in the job, education, interests, or occupation sections, then move on. Nothing for you to see here. Literally. And if the profile doesn’t list date preferences or if the preferences are standard answers or are “no preference,” then move on. Scammer alert.

How to fix it? A real person with a real profile who is interested in making a real connection will fill out personal data and date preferences. We all have tastes and likes and dislikes in other people, and real people with real profiles who are looking for a real connection will fill in that information.

5.     Safety Alert. Don’t give out any personal information. In a previous post, I mentioned giving a contact a first name when emailing conversations are in progress. But do that ONLY if you feel it’s appropriate, safe, and in your best interest. NEVER give out your last name. NEVER give out your address. NEVER give out your phone number. NEVER give out your sensitive information. NEVER give money. And if anyone EVER asks for anything like that, run the other way. Run. Fast. It’s a very serious safety concern, and your safety should always be priority number one over a coffee with a stranger at Starbucks who could end up being Jack the Ripper or Eileen Wuornos reincarnated.

How to fix it? Set up a Google voice account. It’s free, and it gives you a number you can use exclusively for Match. You can create a phone number with any area code and then set it up to forward to any phone number you want. You can even text through it for free. This will keep your personal phone numbers private. For everything else - address, personal info, last name, money - just don’t do it. There is no fix for the rest of those items. If someone asks you for any of that info, don’t give it and terminate the connection right then. And don’t ever ask someone for that info. This is your safety and the safety of those around you. And it’s more important than anything else on Match.com

This post only had the Big 5 tips for scammer and safety awareness. There’s a lot more information out there, and I suggest doing a little bit of research on your own. Also, if you know someone else who is doing the Match thing, then ask him or her for their personal safety and scammer experiences. This isn’t about thinking like a man or a woman. This is all about thinking about your safety!

Match.com: Wink and Email - What Went Wrong? Part 2

It's the moment we've all been waiting for. In the post "Match.com: Wink and Email - What Went Wrong? Part 1", I told you how my sister was emailing with a dude who appeared to have some potential. He winked at her. She winked at him. He emailed her. She emailed back. All good, right?

Seemed to be.

But then he blew it.

How?

If you haven't figured out how, well, then you're gonna have to wait just a couple more minutes. Because FIRST, I wanna show you a funny picture my sister sent me on Thursday.

And I'm sure this poor guy has no idea he's even being laughed at. And that's the shame of it all. Why? Because if he took a little more effort and asked someone else their opinion of the picture, then he would never have posted it to begin with.

Go on and look at the picture again.

Ok. I don't care that the bike outfit is too tight. I don't care that you can see the outline of his junk ... what little that appears to be there. I don't care that his head looks like a penis with a helmet on it.

I'm talking about the fact that it looks like he's picking his ass.

Yeah, I know his hand is probably just holding the seat behind him, but come on, he looks like he's picking his ass. And that's exactly what my sister thought also. She messaged the picture to me and said, "Look, this guy's picking his ass! Why would he post that?!?"

Guys, come on. Stop posting pictures like this! Seriously!! Ok, I get it - you probably think it's a great picture because it shows you're athletic and like biking because it's a great hobby of yours and you do biking competitions and have biked all over the Alps and the Rockies and blah blah blah. But you know what? That also means you can't look at the picture objectively. But a friend, a bro, a sister, a co-worker CAN and WILL look at it objectively. And a friend, a bro, a sister, a co-worker WILL tell you that your bike suit is too tight, that they can see your little tiny junk, that your head looks like a penis with a helmet on it, and that it looks like you're picking your freaking ass!!

Come on!!

Show your pictures to someone else so they can give you honest feedback! You don't need to do a scientific study with a full panel of unbiased peers. Just ask someone who cares about you, who you care about, and who you know will give you honest feedback. Trust me, it'll be the difference between being laughed at behind the scenes and actually making a match!

Ok, back to "Match.com: Wink and Email - What Went Wrong? Part 1." So, what DID the dude do wrong? And the answer is ...

He never asked her a single question about herself!

Two days of emailing, 12 emails sent. He asked her two things: how are you (as the opening email) and how's the weather. That's it. And that's pretty messed up. Nothing else. Nothing about her at all. Did she go wrong in there somewhere? I don't think so. Her responses were all measured, friendly, appropriate. I don't think she did anything wrong. If you disagree, then lemme know. Because I'm still shocked that the guy never really asked her a thing. He was pretty happy talking about himself. So, does this mean he's an all around jerk? No. But it leaves a really bad impression ... especially considering he's the one who initiated the entire contact and conversation to begin with.

So here's the lesson: you're trying to make a connection with another person, so don't make it all about yourself. If you were at a bar and went up to a woman, would you just sit there looking at her and not ask her a single question? No, of course you wouldn't. And Match.com is no different.

Ask HER about HER. It may be emailing, but it's STILL a conversation!

And that's how you start thinking like a woman!

Match.com: Wink and Email - What Went Wrong? Part 1

We're jumping to the chase with this one.

Back in March when my sister was visiting, she got a wink from a dude down in Florida where she lives. He winked at her, she checked out his profile - good looking guy, fun username, nice pictures, no psycho nut bag indicators (more on that in another post) - she winked back at him. Ten minutes later, he emailed her to say hey.

And then it went to shit.

And I guarantee you'll never figure out why.

Pictures and names are blurred on purpose. The point of this post isn't what anyone looks like or what the usernames are. It's all about the email conversation.

Okay, so far so good. Notice that my sister sent her name back to the guy (it's blurred out, but it's there). When you're at the point of emailing each other, getting on a first-name basis is a good thing. It means you've gone beyond "trolling interest" and have moved into that unspoken "next step." FIRST NAME ONLY! Don't send a last name as well!

The conversation is going well. No one is jumping the gun and emailing back TOO fast. It's about 10 to 15 minutes between replies. Pretty good. Makes you look like you're engaged but not desperate. And he mentioned his mom. Smart.

Also notice that the guy didn't say his name in his first reply. But he did follow up with his name four minutes later. Hmm. Smart enough to mention his mom but not smart enough to mention his name ... ? But at least he sent it.

The "more" part of my sister's reply was asking how long the guy's lived in Florida. She's expressing an interest in him - it's called having a conversation.

But ... anyone see where he's going wrong? Not yet? Well, he is.

Check out the next bit of conversation.

Yup, the troubles have begun.

The "more" part of my sister's reply was telling the guy that she was visiting us in Herndon, VA, and she asked where in Maryland he lived. And then he replied. And he's really screwing it up now.

Can you see why? I'll bet you a grand any woman can see why! And I'll bet you ten  grand that any man wouldn't have a freaking clue!

I saw what was going on and I told my sister to ditch him. But she's an optimist and wanted to give him a few more shots. But she also decided maybe she'd wait until the AM, especially considering he said he was getting ready for work.

So the next morning, she sent this out.

She didn't send it too early. Around 10:30. Wasn't like she was up at the crack of dawn trying to bug this guy. But she wanted to follow up and wish him a good day. Nice gesture. Not sure if I woulda done that, but still a nice gesture.

The "more" was her saying she's enjoying the chilly morning up here in VA. Then she asked him what brought him down to Florida. And she knew he would be at work and not likely able to reply right away, so she wasn't put off when it took him until after 5 that evening to write back.

We were at dinner when she got this message. She has the Match app on her phone and it notifies her when she gets a wink or a message. So the phone dinged at dinner to let her know the guy emailed back.

And still, he's blowing it. Big time.

Know how?

No? 

Didn't think so.

Last bit of conversation.

And that was all she wrote. Literally. She was done at this point. And if she wasn't done, I was gonna take her phone away from her so she would stop trying for this guy. It was a waste.

And you still don't know why ... do  you?

And I'm not telling you yet. I'm gonna let you sit and figure it out. Hell, I'm a dude and I figured it out while it was happening, so figure it out for yourself. Email me your guesses or leave them in the comments. 

I'll post the answer next week, and I guarantee the answer will help you to think like a woman!!!

Match.com: Really Messed Up Usernames!!

My sister texted these pictures to me to share with y'all. And here's proof of how a username will blow every chance you'll ever get with a woman. Read 'em and weep (or laugh).

I blurred out the faces and city/state to protect the stupid idiots freaks losers innocent.

That's a real username by a real person with a real account on Match.com. Yeah, sure, laugh at him. Because that's the only action he's gonna get!!!

Holy crap. Serious? No, really, serious?? Would you go out with a woman named "bakeract0751"? HELL NO you wouldn't!! So what the HELL makes you think a woman would go out with a man named "bakeract0571"???

Don't know what the Baker Act is? Click here and find out. Trust me. It ain't good!! (And before you ask me, the answer is yes, the dude is in Florida.)

With idiots like those two out there, it's no wonder women think they're the smarter gender.

Match.com: Pick the Right Pic!

All right, guys. Which looks better to you? This ...

Or this ... ?

This ...

Or this ... ?

Yeah, okay. Get off your high horse. You know you prefer the skinny babes.

Sounds harsh? Yeah, you better believe it. Match.com is a meat market, people. And you best be honest and admit that if you saw the ladies in the first and third pictures above in a profile, you'd be making fun of it, pointing and laughing, blasting the woman, and moving on. Unless big and beautiful is your thing, then you need to admit that you're as shallow as the next guy.

Next test.

Which do you think a WOMAN would prefer? This ...

Or this ... ?

This ...

Or this ... ?

REALITY CHECK!! WOMEN ARE JUST AS SHALLOW AS MEN!!!

Look, it doesn't take much imagination to realize that. Match.com is a meat market for men AND for women.

So here's the deal. My sister cruised through a ton of guy's profiles on Match.com, showed me their pictures, and pointed and laughed at what these guys posted. Dudes showing pictures of themselves shirtless, in bathing suits, or flexing. And these are dudes who should NOT be showing pictures of themselves shirtless, in bathing suits, or flexing.

Hey, if you don't look like Daniel Craig on the beach coming out of the water in "Casino Royale," then don't post those pictures!

Here're a few things my sister said about pictures.

1.
Post something other than selfies. 
In this day and age, if the only pictures you post on your profile are selfies of you posing in front of your bathroom mirror, then you need to know that you look like a friendless loser. Have someone take pictures of you at family gatherings or out at dinner. Get in touch with family and friends and have them send their favorite pictures of you. Have co-workers take candid pictures of you at the office or while you're giving a presentation or during a speech. Make this a joint effort. You're trying to find your match! Take some effort and put some thought into it!

2.
PLEASE add captions to your images!!
Let people know what was going on in the picture. Don't write a book about the shot. Just add two lines that say what was going on and when it was. Say something about it being your dream vacation, about the person in the shot being your best friend of 15 years, the name of your dog, that the woman in the shot is your sister, that the volunteering effort in the picture is one of the most rewarding experiences you've ever had. It's called context, and that kind of information will draw a viewer in to what's going on and it WILL make a person more interested in you!

3.
Don't have pictures of you with other women in there unless it has a caption that says who the woman is!
My sister was TOTALLY turned off by the pictures of guys that also included a woman in the shot. The first assumption is that the woman is an ex-girlfriend or an ex-wife or, even worse, a CURRENT girlfriend or a CURRENT wife. Use the caption utility when you upload the picture and identify who the woman is!!

4.
Get a grip and stop posting scenery, landscape, and vacation pictures!
Pictures like that are pretentious and arrogant. They say, "Look at all of the places I've been and all of the things I've done and all of the money I had to do it and you would be so lucky to get me." And women look at the pictures and think, "Look at that arrogant bastard! Who cares if you've been to the Great Wall AND the Leaning Tower AND the Grand Canyon AND the Palace of Versailles AND give me a break!! NEXT!" One or two vacation pictures is sufficient. And add a caption to it that tells where and when. And for God's sake, don't post scenery shots! If women want to look at scenery, then they can go outside or Google it. She's on your profile to look at YOU, not a rainbow.

5.
Post lifestyle pictures!
Lifestyle pictures are the ones of you with friends, family, your dog, at dinner, at work, volunteering - the ones that show you UNPOSED in a real situation. Natural, laughing, enjoying yourself, doing something that you're passionate about, something that you care about. That kind of picture speaks volumes about your character more than a shirtless wannabe selfie ever could!

6.
Smile!
Smiling makes a person look younger, more appealing, puts the viewer in a good mood, draws the viewer in, and makes the viewer happy. A person smiling in a picture is intriguing and brings good vibes.

7.
Shirtless pictures are a let down.
Believe it or not, the BIG thing that my sister said was that guys who show shirtless pictures of themselves actually are a huge let down because it takes away all the mystery and surprise. Look, hold a few things close to your chest (pun intended). Keep your shirt on and allow it to be a surprise when things get a little hotter on down the line.

8.
Explain the picture!
If you feel you need to post a shirtless picture, then explain it. Nobody out there looks like Taylor Lautner. But if you've lost 150 pounds in the past year and you wanna show it off, then put that in the caption. If you gained 10 pounds of muscle in the past 6 months, then put that in the caption. If you're training for a triathlon and you're in the best shape of your life, then put that in the caption. If you're a swimmer and are trying out for the regional swim meet, then put that in the caption. ANY of those reasons shows something about your character - something that does NOT say "arrogant and self-absorbed."

Remember, when you post pictures to your profile, you gotta realize that a woman is going to react to your pictures the SAME way that you react to a woman's pictures. So be smart about it and think like a woman!!!

Match.com: Your Username Sucks!!!

You're trolling through your daily matches, right? You see the username "HotMama4U" and "BootyBoombastic317" and "AllAboutTheBase411." Whoa! Hell to the yeah, right?!?!?

Uh, hell no.

Come on. You see something like that in a woman's username, you know it ain't gonna be good. It's definitely not gonna be anything that turns into a relationship. And it's likely it's gonna end up with a prescription for antibiotics. Unless, you know, that's what you're trolling for. So when you see "BootyBombastic317" in a username, you basically know what you're gonna get: a bangin' good time for one night and herpes for the rest of your life. It's the match that keeps on giving. But if that's what you want, then more power to ya!

But women aren't like that. They're not gonna see "MasterBlaster69" and think, "Now there's the man I wanna spend the rest of my life with!" And they're not even gonna wanna spend a NIGHT with you! And let's be serious, from the non-scientific research I've done, women are on Match looking for a relationship - not a one-night bang.

My sister's given me the inside scoop on Match and the daily matches she's trolled through. She showed the usernames to me, and lemme tell ya, some of y'all are pathetic. Okay, let's be brutal - MOST of y'all are pathetic! And that's an amazing thing to me because aside from a profile picture, the username is your first introduction to another woman, to a potential date, to a potential wife. Is that really how you want your first intro to be?? Would you walk up to a woman in a bar and say, "Hey there, I'm BigOne69. What's your name?" Uh, NO! So why would you do it on Match.com?? Get real.

My sister's said she can't count the number of times she's trashed a daily match or a wink or an email  from a dude because the username immediately turn her off. Didn't care about the picture. Didn't look at the profile. Didn't care, period. Her reasoning? If you have a nasty, stupid, suggestive, demeaning, degrading, or inappropriate username, then you have no self-respect and you definitely have no mutual respect. You can't respect yourself, you sure as hell ain't gonna respect someone else.

So there you have it.

Change your pathetic username!!!

Now you're asking, "Change it to what? It took me 3 minutes to come up with 'BigOne69.' How'm I ever gonna come up with a better one?!?" Here're some ideas from my sister.

1.
Be fun.

You don't have to be "funny," but try and be "fun." Yeah, there's a difference. Don't try to make someone laugh out loud. That ain't gonna happen with a username. But you can make someone smile. Be clever, be cloy, be playful, be POSITIVE. And the easiest way to do that is to make a play on your interests or your name or even on your career.

2.
Don't use your real name.

This is for your personal safety as well as to retain a bit of mystery. You never want to reveal your real name this early in the game. Can you say, "Basic Instinct"? Come on, don't use your real name.

3.
Come up with several options.

Generally speaking, once you come up with one option, you'll be able to bang out a couple more. Here's a good website that will help you brainstorm some really good options.

http://www.edatingdoc.com/online-dating-username/

The guy who wrote that article has some great advice. DO WHAT HE SAYS!!

And look, spend some time on this. You're dropping your hard-earned cash on a Match.com account. That means you can take 15 to 20 minutes out of your life to come up with a good username!

Then once you come up with 3 or 4 of your best options, show them to some friends. And YES, that means showing them to some women. Your mom, your sister, your best bud's wife, a co-worker, or - even better - a woman who is single! Don't toss your best example at a fellow dude to see what he thinks of it. That's like asking Mormon to tell you which wine pairs best with a rib eye. It's a disaster waiting to happen. Ask a woman! A single woman! You're gonna get better feedback from a single woman because that's your target audience. And be ready for the brutal responses - and DON'T be an ass when they give you feedback! Try and incorporate what they've said, and at the least, say thanks!

The only way you're gonna come up with a good username is if you start to think like a woman!!

Match.com: Why am I an expert on this?

Because my sister is!

This isn't some men's magazine giving you bullshit online dating advice. This isn't Ms. Manners giving you "how to be appropriate" bullshit tips. And this definitely isn't Dr. Phil's big bag of bullshit. This is from the horse's mouth - A WOMAN! - delivered to you from a MAN!!

Here're the details.

Last week, my sister came to visit us in Virginia for a 4-day vacation, and what did she do the whole time she was up here? Surf Match.com to scam on the guys she found: dudes who looked at her profile, winked at her, messaged her, all that good stuff. Turns out you can't do anything on Match.com without the other person knowing you did it. Which, in my opinion, is a little creepy. But that's a topic for another time.

Surfing Match.com up here in Virginia was pretty damn great for her because she found a whole new field of low-hangers compared to the same old same old she sees down in Florida, which is where she lives. She winked and surfed and clicked on a ton of profiles she found in the DMV (which, by the way, stands for DC, Maryland, Virginia - yeah, I know: pretentious, but that's Northern Virginia for ya) and showed me everything she found wrong, everything she found right, everything she laughed at, everything she liked, everything that pissed her off, everything that grossed her out, EVERYTHING!! It was pretty fun ... in a bizarre, ain't-quite-right, voyeuristic kind of way. But it was REALLY informative and REALLY educational!

By the way, I'm her younger brother. I'm married. I've never used Match.com, eHarmony, or any of those other dating sites. Thank God. I found the love of my life 19 years ago while doing volunteer work. 19 years ago. Way back when people used the internet only for porn.

And let's face it, Match.com is pretty much "new porn." It's nothing but a bunch of voyeurs trying to get lucky, although your definition of "lucky" may be different than someone else's. One person's "lucky" is getting laid, another person's is companionship, another person's is social engagement, another person's is a long-term relationship, another person's is marriage at any cost. My sister has seen all of 'em. And she's given me an earful about ALL y'all!!

So what's the deal with my sister? Allrighty. She's 47, widowed (10 years ago), 2 kids who are over 18, been on Match since mid-2013, and has been on about 2 dozen dates with different men since starting with Match. I asked her what she wanted to get out of Match - and told her to be brutally honest with me - and she said she's looking for hook-ups, play dates, social interaction, and companionship that could lead to a long-term relationship and marriage. BUT she's realistic. She doesn't expect love at first sight and she doesn't expect to elope. She DOES expect chemistry and that ever-important "vibe." More on that later also. She's also independent, has life priorities set, and does NOT want to get into a relationship with anyone who has kids under 18. She said she's done with raising kids and she don't wanna do it no more!

So that's her deal. She likes sex, she wants sex, she needs sex, and she wants to be with someone she can be a friend with, and she's optimistic (and realistic) about a potential husband coming out of the deal.

So ... why am I an expert on this? Yup, because my sister is!

This is uncut, no-bullshit, unplugged feedback from a woman who's gotten down and dirty with the best and the worst of them. She laid it on the line, and what she told me WILL help you think like a woman on Match.com!