Talking to my sister this week, you know what she told me? She laid a big one on me. I said, "Gimme some good dirt. Gimme something juicy. Gimme a total turn off on a profile." You know what she said? You know what topped the list? You'll never guess.
It wasn't nasty or offensive usernames.
It wasn't stupid pictures like that man picking his ass.
You know what it was?
The biggest turn off for her ... is seeing that someone was just recently divorced or separated.
Is that cold or what?!? Yo, I thought it was! Actually, I thought it was kind effed up. And you see! I've said it how many times in this blog??? Match.com is a meat market, and you have only about 4 seconds (if that!) to leave a good impression on someone! And to think she killed a potential match just because he was recently separated ... ?
Ah. Then she explained it.
Someone who is recently divorced or separated has certain "tells." He puts in his profile passive aggressive digs against his ex and he puts "I'm looking for that special someone to spend my life with" and he puts "I want to be in a relationship with someone I trust" and he puts "I want to be with someone who appreciates me for who I am" and he puts "I want someone who will be there for me and my kids" and he puts "I want to meet my soul mate" and he puts "I want to meet someone who will love me for me!"
Well no shit, dumbass!
We all want that! We all want that special someone, we all want that soul mate, we all want someone we trust, and we all want someone who will love us for who we are! So when you waste your profile space on shlock like that, it's the primo indicator that YOU ARE A DESPERATE BASTARD!
And then you combine that with "Separated" or "Divorced" on your profile? Then you're on the fast track to the mighty toilet flush from the dating game!
Statements like those above are "tells." They say you're damaged goods. That you haven't gotten your own house in order. That you're not ready for a relationship. I mean, jeez, it says that you're hardly ready for a rebound person!! These are "tells" that you're recently separated/divorced and still broken. And key in on the word "recently." It's not that my sister won't entertain the idea of being with a divorced guy. Hell, SHE'S divorced! But when you're "recently" separated or divorced and throwing around statements like those above, then you have an abundance of bitterness and wounds and issues that you've not come close to resolving. Those statements say:
"I'm looking for that special someone to spend my life with" because my ex was a selfish bitch and I still hate her.
"I want to be in a relationship with someone I trust" because my ex cheated on me with my son's high school football team and I still hate her!
"I want to be with someone who appreciates me for who I am" because my ex nagged the shit out of me and tried to totally change me and I still hate her!!
"I want someone who will be there for me and my kids" because my ex ran out on us and left me with three kids, two mortgages, two car payments, a crappy job, and I still hate her!!!
"I want to meet my soul mate" because my ex didn't even have a fucking soul and was first cousins to Satan himself and I still hate her!!!!
"I want to meet someone who will love me for me" because my ex didn't love anyone but herself and I don't even love myself and I'm a loser and don't even want to be on Match but I am because my sister made me do it because she got tired of me crying in my beer and told me to get a life no matter what it takes because my ex wasn't worth it no matter what I say or who I say it to and fucking sonuvabitch I still fucking hate her!!!!!
Um. Yeah. Get my drift?
So how do you fix it?
First, get your house in order. If you can't love yourself, how in the hell can you love someone else? Take care of yourself. Learn to enjoy your own company. Get reacquainted with your kids. Have more fun with your kids. Go back out with your friends - YOUR friends and not you and your ex's mutual friends. Your buds, your dudes, YOUR bros. Rediscover what it is to enjoy YOUR life. Heal yourself for yourself and then you'll have a different perspective for the types of things that SHOULD go in your profile!
Second, don't lie. If you're divorced or separated, put it in your profile. Don't hide it. But maybe in your profile, say what you learned from it. Say that you learned to be a better friend to a woman, you learned to be more aware of what affects other people, you learned how to appreciate someone else, you learned how important friends/kids/family really are because they helped you through a very rough patch and saw you to the other side. Sound like sissy crap? Screw you. It's not sissy crap. It's what proves that you are a better person for what you've been through. THAT is what you want to shine through in your profile.
Third, change your profile content. Talk about places you'd like to take that special someone, talk about how you've actually learned what it takes to be a soul mate for someone, talk about your favorite ice cream joint that you love to take your kids to, talk about the things that make you happy. It's called a positive perspective, and it's THAT kind of information that women key into. Not because it's corny, sappy crap. But because it shows that you have your emotional house in order, that you have your priorities in order, and that you're willing to be in a relationship that gives AND receives.
And look, this stuff ain't easy. But if you're really wanting a relationship, then YOU have to be ready for it. Women aren't stupid. And woe be the dumbass who thinks they are! And this isn't thinking like a woman. This is thinking like a stable, positive person who is ready to be in a relationship with a woman!
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