Match.com: Don't Be a Jerk. Reply!

I post new blog entries every Saturday.
Today's Sunday. And I didn't do an entry yesterday.
And last night (Saturday evening), I got an email from a reader wondering where my post was, but I didn't reply back to him.
And this morning (Sunday morning), I got a couple more emails from readers, but I didn't reply to them either.

How's it feel? To be dissed like that? To not be replied to?

Kinda sucks, don't it?

Yeah, so don't do it to someone else!

I delayed my entry this week on purpose. And I didn't reply back to those emails on purpose. A bit of a jerk thing to do, but I was making a point. And I think the point was taken.

And what was the point? If someone gets in touch with you, then don't be a jerk - reply back! (BTW, thanks to everyone who reads this blog and no offense meant!)

We're living in a whole new world of communications and contact. Meeting people and socializing with people are done differently now than they've ever been. I mean, you're on Match.com, so you're trying to meet people in a way that didn't even exist 10 to 15 years ago. But even though the means of meeting someone is different, the "rules" behind meeting someone are still the same. So if someone gets in touch with you on Match.com, then "the rules" state that you should reply back.

So, you're asking why, right? Well, look at it this way. If you were in a bar and a woman came up to you and said hi, what would you do? You'd say hi back. If you were at a party and a woman came up to you and said hey, what would you do? You'd say hey back. It's the "rule" of common courtesy. Well, the same rule applies for online dating. It's very easy to get caught up in the anonymity of being online, and there's an allure to that because it's safer, it's private, and you can window shop without making any commitments to anyone. But you should always remember this: behind every legitimate Match.com profile is a real person with real feelings looking to find a real match. And when that real person emails you to say hey, she's taking a leap of faith, she's taking a step of hope, she's putting herself out there on the chance that maybe you'll see something in her that she saw in you. That's a big step for a real person, and it shouldn't be ignored. So here're a couple things you should do when someone emails you.

1. Reply back and express an interest in return. This is the equivalent of being in that bar and saying "hey" back to the lady who first said "hey" to you. And reply within a reasonable amount of time. Don't be a schmuck and leave her hanging for days. And keep in mind that Match.com records and displays the last time you were on your account. If a lady emails you and you don't email back the next time you're on your account, then she'll see that, and you become the asshole who didn't get back in touch with her. And when you finally do email back to show your interest, well, sorry, dude, you're labeled an asshole now and your window of opportunity just slammed shut in your face.


2. Reply back and let her know you're not interested. This is a little more complicated but should still be done. So, first, you can be honest and tell her you don't think you're compatible with each other and tell her why - maybe she has three young kids and your child-rearing days are behind you, maybe she smokes and you don't date smokers, maybe she prefers to spend nights in and you're the type who likes to go out (and those sort of preferences should already be in your profile). Being honest is helpful for everyone and is the optimal approach. The alternative? Yeah, well, the alternative is to lie. And there are benefits to lying. Maybe she's 5'2" and you like woman who are tall. Maybe she's brunette and you like blondes. And okay, maybe you just don't find her very attractive. Then reply back to her and tell her that you're "in a semi-relationship but didn't want to update your Match profile until you know it's serious, but thank you so much for contacting me, and best of luck to you!" This is called a good lie. Don't be nasty. Don't dog her. Don't slam her. She's a real person with real feelings who put herself out there hoping to spark a real relationship with you. Don't cut her off at the knees. There's no need to do that. If you're not interested, then be a gentleman about it in your reply. 

And I condone replies only for emails. If someone winks at you or instant messages you, then the same rules don't apply. Winks and IMs are informal. An email isn't. Winks and IMs are mini-tossaways, the online dating equivalent of touching your toe in a pool to see how cold the water is. An email is a much greater effort, the online dating equivalent of diving into that pool regardless of how cold the water may be.

So you need to think like a woman and understand that an email is a big step and should be treated as such. So don't be a jerk. Reply back to her!

Match.com: Pics That are Just Wrong!

My sister sends me whackadoodle profile pictures all the time. They're always good for a laugh. And we laugh and laugh, and shake our head and wonder ... what the hell were they thinking. So I figured I'd start a series within this blog to show you the best of the worst that she sends me. Sound good? Hell yeah! Here we go!

Here's the first best of the worst for the week.

How many times have I said it? You have maybe 4 seconds on Match.com to impress someone. This picture took 2 seconds for my sister to look at it, get grossed out, laugh her ass off, and then text it to me.

And no, she wasn't grossed out by the tats. This is what she wrote:

"Ewwww!!!! BUTT CRACK!!!! Gross!!!"

That was a direct quote from her. I laughed my own butt crack off when I got that! But you know what the song says, "It's all about the bass, about the bass ... no butt crack!!"

Okay. Here's the last best of the worst for the week.

This is what she wrote me in the text: "WTF!!!! I guess I'm a cold hearted bitch!! Lmao"

What's wrong with the pic?? Um, ok, did you read the caption?!? The dude was in the hospital helping his mom (check out the wheelchair behind his right arm) so he figured that was the best time to jump into the hospital room bathroom and snap a selfie for his Match.com profile??? What the f***?!? That is just wrong on so many levels I can't even begin count! But hey, I give him props for putting a caption on the picture. And then I take away the props for spelling "hospital" wrong.

You gotta think like a woman!!! Look at your profile pictures, my peeps, and get rid of the bad and replace them with something good ... or at least something appropriate! And then have someone else look at them, too, and ask them what they think. I guarantee someone else would've said something to these poor schmucks (Ewwww!! BUTT CRACK!!!) and they would've taken down the pics. But if that happened ... we wouldn't have anything to laugh at. Would we?!?

;0)

Match.com: You Desperate Bastard!

Talking to my sister this week, you know what she told me? She laid a big one on me. I said, "Gimme some good dirt. Gimme something juicy. Gimme a total turn off on a profile." You know what she said? You know what topped the list? You'll never guess.

It wasn't nasty or offensive usernames.

It wasn't stupid pictures like that man picking his ass.

You know what it was?

The biggest turn off for her ... is seeing that someone was just recently divorced or separated.

Is that cold or what?!? Yo, I thought it was! Actually, I thought it was kind effed up. And you see! I've said it how many times in this blog??? Match.com is a meat market, and you have only about 4 seconds (if that!) to leave a good impression on someone! And to think she killed a potential match just because he was recently separated ... ?

Ah. Then she explained it.

Someone who is recently divorced or separated has certain "tells." He puts in his profile passive aggressive digs against his ex and he puts "I'm looking for that special someone to spend my life with" and he puts "I want to be in a relationship with someone I trust" and he puts "I want to be with someone who appreciates me for who I am" and he puts "I want someone who will be there for me and my kids" and he puts "I want to meet my soul mate" and he puts "I want to meet someone who will love me for me!"

Well no shit, dumbass!

We all want that! We all want that special someone, we all want that soul mate, we all want someone we trust, and we all want someone who will love us for who we are! So when you waste your profile space on shlock like that, it's the primo indicator that YOU ARE A DESPERATE BASTARD!

And then you combine that with "Separated" or "Divorced" on your profile? Then you're on the fast track to the mighty toilet flush from the dating game!

Statements like those above are "tells." They say you're damaged goods. That you haven't gotten your own house in order. That you're not ready for a relationship. I mean, jeez, it says that you're hardly ready for a rebound person!! These are "tells" that you're recently separated/divorced and still broken. And key in on the word "recently." It's not that my sister won't entertain the idea of being with a divorced guy. Hell, SHE'S divorced! But when you're "recently" separated or divorced and throwing around statements like those above, then you have an abundance of bitterness and wounds and issues that you've not come close to resolving. Those statements say:

"I'm looking for that special someone to spend my life with" because my ex was a selfish bitch and I still hate her.

"I want to be in a relationship with someone I trust" because my ex cheated on me with my son's high school football team and I still hate her!

"I want to be with someone who appreciates me for who I am" because my ex nagged the shit out of me and tried to totally change me and I still hate her!!

"I want someone who will be there for me and my kids" because my ex ran out on us and left me with three kids, two mortgages, two car payments, a crappy job, and I still hate her!!!

"I want to meet my soul mate" because my ex didn't even have a fucking soul and was first cousins to Satan himself and I still hate her!!!!

"I want to meet someone who will love me for me" because my ex didn't love anyone but herself and I don't even love myself and I'm a loser and don't even want to be on Match but I am because my sister made me do it because she got tired of me crying in my beer and told me to get a life no matter what it takes because my ex wasn't worth it no matter what I say or who I say it to and fucking sonuvabitch I still fucking hate her!!!!!

Um. Yeah. Get my drift?

So how do you fix it?

First, get your house in order. If you can't love yourself, how in the hell can you love someone else? Take care of yourself. Learn to enjoy your own company. Get reacquainted with your kids. Have more fun with your kids. Go back out with your friends - YOUR friends and not you and your ex's mutual friends. Your buds, your dudes, YOUR bros. Rediscover what it is to enjoy YOUR life. Heal yourself for yourself and then you'll have a different perspective for the types of things that SHOULD go in your profile!

Second, don't lie. If you're divorced or separated, put it in your profile. Don't hide it. But maybe in your profile, say what you learned from it. Say that you learned to be a better friend to a woman, you learned to be more aware of what affects other people, you learned how to appreciate someone else, you learned how important friends/kids/family really are because they helped you through a very rough patch and saw you to the other side. Sound like sissy crap? Screw you. It's not sissy crap. It's what proves that you are a better person for what you've been through. THAT is what you want to shine through in your profile.

Third, change your profile content. Talk about places you'd like to take that special someone, talk about how you've actually learned what it takes to be a soul mate for someone, talk about your favorite ice cream joint that you love to take your kids to, talk about the things that make you happy. It's called a positive perspective, and it's THAT kind of information that women key into. Not because it's corny, sappy crap. But because it shows that you have your emotional house in order, that you have your priorities in order, and that you're willing to be in a relationship that gives AND receives.

And look, this stuff ain't easy. But if you're really wanting a relationship, then YOU have to be ready for it. Women aren't stupid. And woe be the dumbass who thinks they are! And this isn't thinking like a woman. This is thinking like a stable, positive person who is ready to be in a relationship with a woman!

Match.com: Safety and Scammer Alert!

I've poked some fun at a lot of things so far in this blog. But it's been done  based on some really good first-hand advice directly from someone in the Match.com trenches who is trying to find her match: my sister. And I want the best for my sister, and I also want the best for everyone else out there trying to find someone to spend the rest of their lives with. So along with the fun in this blog also comes some serious aspects. 

Look, I understand that finding that special someone ain't easy. It's work. It's effort. And it's subjective. What one person finds hot and sexy, another person will turn up his or her nose. I get that. We've all been there. But the one thing I haven't talked about yet that is not subjective is something that everyone - male or female - really needs to be careful about: safety. Match.com is a great tool for an introduction to someone you may otherwise never meet. However, when you look at the big picture, you have to understand that Match offers two strangers an essentially anonymous way to get introduced to each other. And with that anonymity comes a lot of questions: Who is this person really? Can I trust this person? Is this person really a psycho nut bag? Will this person try to abduct me if we meet up for a coffee? 

And those questions are not unreasonable ones to ask. You've heard about the Craigslist murders. We all have. The Craigslist murders are why restaurants and police stations have set themselves up as safe meeting spots. Safety is important. No matter what. Safety is important!

When I asked my sister about this, she told me safety is a huge priority when considering even getting in touch with someone, whether it's with a wink, an email, a thumbs up, anything. She has kids, a home, a family, a job to protect. Safety is a huge priority. As it should be with anyone.

So, in that vein, here're the things she's told me that she always has an eye for when she's looking at profiles or when someone gets in touch with her.

1.     Intelligence Alert. Match isn't an English class. We know that. But if your profile has spelling errors all over it or has bad grammar or doesn't use appropriate capitalization, then you're immediately tagged with the thumbs down. A lot of times, poorly written profiles with tons of grammar errors are indicative that the profile is by a scammer. Why? Because most scammers are international and don’t speak the native language used in the profile. And okay, what if the profile is legit and not by a scammer? Then the impression is that you're just not intelligent or schooled or are just plain stupid. You may be incredibly intelligent, have a 4.0 GPA, have started three business, and are a multi-millionaire, but if you use "there" when you should’ve use "their," then you look like “your” stupid.

How to fix it? Spell check your profile. Get someone else to look at it and edit it for grammar. Have someone else proof your profile to let you know it makes sense and to make sure it is grammatically correct. You are putting yourself out there for others to see ... and for others to judge. Don't blow it because you spelled a word wrong and it made you look like Gomer Pyle.

2.     Scammer Alert #1. Aside from poor grammar, there are a LOT of scammer triggers that cue my sister to avoid a profile like it's kryptonite. For example, a picture of a guy in uniform - military, police, fireman, security, anything - is an immediate scam trigger especially if the picture of the dude in uniform is the only one on the profile. HERE’s an article about this very problem from the Washington Post. Photo scamming of men in general is an even bigger problem, to the extent that are actually third-party sites that post often-used scammer profile photos for the safety of legitimate online dating users. THIS is one from scamdigger.com.

How to fix it? If your profession requires you to where a uniform and you want to post of pic of yourself in your uniform, great, just then be sure to post additional pictures of yourself in social situations when you’re not in uniform. It’s always a good idea for you to post several pictures of yourself in any online dating profile. Doing so is a sure sign that you’re a real person and not a scammer.

3.     Scammer Alert #2. My sister’s shown me profiles of guys who talk about how wealthy they are or about expensive cars they own and expensive trips they’ve taken or the yachts they have. Yeah, we get it: rich people can be lonely also. But it’s a serious scam trigger point to talk about your wealth so extensively.

How to fix it? Wealth is not a topic for discussion outside of the “income” field of your profile. Even if you are wealthy and are sincerely looking for a match, get that info out of your profile. It’s a scam trigger. Plain and simple. And if it IS a legitimate profile by someone with legitimate wealth, then let’s be honest, bragging about your wealth makes you look like a pretentious, arrogant prick. Get rid of it!

4.     Scammer alert #3. Profiles with no personal data or date preferences are HUGE scam triggers. This is self-explanatory. If there’s no information in the job, education, interests, or occupation sections, then move on. Nothing for you to see here. Literally. And if the profile doesn’t list date preferences or if the preferences are standard answers or are “no preference,” then move on. Scammer alert.

How to fix it? A real person with a real profile who is interested in making a real connection will fill out personal data and date preferences. We all have tastes and likes and dislikes in other people, and real people with real profiles who are looking for a real connection will fill in that information.

5.     Safety Alert. Don’t give out any personal information. In a previous post, I mentioned giving a contact a first name when emailing conversations are in progress. But do that ONLY if you feel it’s appropriate, safe, and in your best interest. NEVER give out your last name. NEVER give out your address. NEVER give out your phone number. NEVER give out your sensitive information. NEVER give money. And if anyone EVER asks for anything like that, run the other way. Run. Fast. It’s a very serious safety concern, and your safety should always be priority number one over a coffee with a stranger at Starbucks who could end up being Jack the Ripper or Eileen Wuornos reincarnated.

How to fix it? Set up a Google voice account. It’s free, and it gives you a number you can use exclusively for Match. You can create a phone number with any area code and then set it up to forward to any phone number you want. You can even text through it for free. This will keep your personal phone numbers private. For everything else - address, personal info, last name, money - just don’t do it. There is no fix for the rest of those items. If someone asks you for any of that info, don’t give it and terminate the connection right then. And don’t ever ask someone for that info. This is your safety and the safety of those around you. And it’s more important than anything else on Match.com

This post only had the Big 5 tips for scammer and safety awareness. There’s a lot more information out there, and I suggest doing a little bit of research on your own. Also, if you know someone else who is doing the Match thing, then ask him or her for their personal safety and scammer experiences. This isn’t about thinking like a man or a woman. This is all about thinking about your safety!

Match.com: Wink and Email - What Went Wrong? Part 2

It's the moment we've all been waiting for. In the post "Match.com: Wink and Email - What Went Wrong? Part 1", I told you how my sister was emailing with a dude who appeared to have some potential. He winked at her. She winked at him. He emailed her. She emailed back. All good, right?

Seemed to be.

But then he blew it.

How?

If you haven't figured out how, well, then you're gonna have to wait just a couple more minutes. Because FIRST, I wanna show you a funny picture my sister sent me on Thursday.

And I'm sure this poor guy has no idea he's even being laughed at. And that's the shame of it all. Why? Because if he took a little more effort and asked someone else their opinion of the picture, then he would never have posted it to begin with.

Go on and look at the picture again.

Ok. I don't care that the bike outfit is too tight. I don't care that you can see the outline of his junk ... what little that appears to be there. I don't care that his head looks like a penis with a helmet on it.

I'm talking about the fact that it looks like he's picking his ass.

Yeah, I know his hand is probably just holding the seat behind him, but come on, he looks like he's picking his ass. And that's exactly what my sister thought also. She messaged the picture to me and said, "Look, this guy's picking his ass! Why would he post that?!?"

Guys, come on. Stop posting pictures like this! Seriously!! Ok, I get it - you probably think it's a great picture because it shows you're athletic and like biking because it's a great hobby of yours and you do biking competitions and have biked all over the Alps and the Rockies and blah blah blah. But you know what? That also means you can't look at the picture objectively. But a friend, a bro, a sister, a co-worker CAN and WILL look at it objectively. And a friend, a bro, a sister, a co-worker WILL tell you that your bike suit is too tight, that they can see your little tiny junk, that your head looks like a penis with a helmet on it, and that it looks like you're picking your freaking ass!!

Come on!!

Show your pictures to someone else so they can give you honest feedback! You don't need to do a scientific study with a full panel of unbiased peers. Just ask someone who cares about you, who you care about, and who you know will give you honest feedback. Trust me, it'll be the difference between being laughed at behind the scenes and actually making a match!

Ok, back to "Match.com: Wink and Email - What Went Wrong? Part 1." So, what DID the dude do wrong? And the answer is ...

He never asked her a single question about herself!

Two days of emailing, 12 emails sent. He asked her two things: how are you (as the opening email) and how's the weather. That's it. And that's pretty messed up. Nothing else. Nothing about her at all. Did she go wrong in there somewhere? I don't think so. Her responses were all measured, friendly, appropriate. I don't think she did anything wrong. If you disagree, then lemme know. Because I'm still shocked that the guy never really asked her a thing. He was pretty happy talking about himself. So, does this mean he's an all around jerk? No. But it leaves a really bad impression ... especially considering he's the one who initiated the entire contact and conversation to begin with.

So here's the lesson: you're trying to make a connection with another person, so don't make it all about yourself. If you were at a bar and went up to a woman, would you just sit there looking at her and not ask her a single question? No, of course you wouldn't. And Match.com is no different.

Ask HER about HER. It may be emailing, but it's STILL a conversation!

And that's how you start thinking like a woman!